A completely unbiased interview in which neither party behaves. For this first blog post, I figured the best way to introduce myself — both of me — was to sit down for a chat. What followed was forty‑five minutes of mutual accusations, one surprisingly sincere moment, and a disagreement about whether velvet counts as a personality trait. CHRIS Let’s start simple. Who are you? CRIMSON BLOODTHORNE I am the voice that arrives at two in the morning with a story that absolutely ca

Mounting Love: The Dumbbell Strikes Again Part 1: Ice Queen, Wireless Rage It was leg day. Jeff didn't want to be there. Brosgaeus—now happily back in human form and wearing a gym tank that proudly declared GLUTES BEFORE DUDES—was not accepting excuses. "You said you wanted confidence, Jeff," Brosgaeus said, dramatically tightening his lifting gloves. "Confidence starts in the quads." Jeff stared at the squat rack like it was a haunted house. "...I'm pretty sure confidence st

Part 4: A Lesson in Strength Jeff's fitness journey continued to build momentum. Under Brosgaeus' relentless coaching, he was changing—not just physically, but mentally as well. He had learned discipline. He had learned consistency. He had learned that getting stronger wasn't about finding shortcuts. It was about showing up, day after day, even when he didn't feel like it. And somewhere along the way... Brosgaeus had begun changing too. One evening, after an absolutely brutal

SOLAR SYSTEM HOA Episode Two: The New Girl a short cosmic comedy It had been three days since the barbecue, which meant it had been three days since anyone had brought up the chicken incident, the comet, or whatever Uranus still wasn't saying — a personal record for the neighborhood. That ended around two in the afternoon, when something new drifted into the cul-de-sac. ✦ ✦ ✦ Arrival Nobody saw her coming, exactly. One minute the street was empty. The next, there was a planet

GALACTIC HOA Episode Two: The Boy Who Cried Supernova a short cosmic comedy There is, in every neighborhood, one resident who has been about to do something dramatic for so long that nobody quite believes it anymore. In the Local Group, that resident was Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse was not, strictly speaking, a member of the Local Group HOA. Betelgeuse was a single red supergiant star sitting in the Milky Way's own shoulder, a relatively short eight hundred or so light-years away

A sample of a book that will be released soon. It is about a librarian who wants to read every book, so she becomes a vampire.

A sample of a detective series I'm writing. This is from book one, the vanishing violin.

Part 3: The Giraffe and the Gains Over the next few weeks, Jeff's life settled into a whole new rhythm. Every morning began the same way: slipping into a giant giraffe costume. Yes, he was that guy—the one dressed as Geoffrey the Giraffe at the local Toys R Us. The kids adored him, and honestly, it wasn't the worst job in the world... even if the costume felt like a portable sauna. But it was after work that the real transformation began. Every evening, Jeff headed to the gym

Part 2: Wireless Wisdom Brosgaeus was in full-on panic mode. He had no idea how to break this absurd curse, and the thought of spending the rest of his existence as a phone mount was horrifying. Worse, he couldn't even yell at Jeff to put down the tiny dumbbells and pick up some real weight. As they cruised down the highway, Jeff hummed happily along with the music playing through the car radio. Brosgaeus, however, was fuming. I can't believe this is happening to me. Of all t

Part 1: The Curse of the Dumbbell Brosgaeus was the kind of guy everyone in the gym noticed. Standing six feet tall with muscles that looked like they had muscles, he was a walking advertisement for protein powder and intense workouts. He firmly believed mirrors existed for two reasons: to check your form and to admire his. But while Brosgaeus had the physique of a champion, he lacked one crucial thing: kindness. Every day, he'd strut into the gym, sneering at anyone who wasn

Episode One: The Bar a short cosmic comedy The Sun had been throwing the same neighborhood barbecue for four and a half billion years, and at this point everyone mostly came for the leftovers. ✦ ✦ ✦ The Spread Mercury arrived first, because Mercury arrived first to everything, vibrating slightly even when standing still. He circled the table twice before anyone else had shown up. Mercury: Is the food out? Is it out yet? I could've done this lap eighty-eight times by now. Venu

GALACTIC HOA Episode One: Greg Lets One Go a short cosmic comedy The Local Group is a quiet neighborhood, as these things go. A few dozen galaxies, give or take, drifting in loose formation across a few million light-years of nothing in particular. Nobody's in a hurry. Nobody needs to be. When your neighbors are measured in millions of light-years away and your conversations take place over geological epochs, you learn to let things happen at their own pace. Greg Galaxy had n